i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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