My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
