I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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