I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
