I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
