You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
