Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
