She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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