so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
