6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
