i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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