dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
