Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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