8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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