She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
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i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
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I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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