Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
