Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
