just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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