my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
