I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
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New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
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I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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