some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
