you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
