At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
