I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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