I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
