Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
