SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
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Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
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I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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