it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
