I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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