Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
