my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Actions speak louder than pants.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
