Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
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During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
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I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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