i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
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i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
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note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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