So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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