Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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