Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My vagina is very pro this idea
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
