Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
