Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
