i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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