She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
