Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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