i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
