my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
