at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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