Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
