I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
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