I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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