It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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