dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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