she smelled like a LAN party
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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