Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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