you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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