i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
