next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
