You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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