is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
