i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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