Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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