Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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