My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just want nice things and good sex
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
