My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
