turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
