my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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