and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
