I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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